I’m tired of feeling broken, defective, and alone.

If there’s nothing else, even that will be a relief.

MY NAME WAS CLEOJONES AND I WAS NEARLY BULLIED TO DEATH BY ANTI-RACIST/FEMINISTS IN FANDOM.

I’m posting about this despite still being afraid (finallly), because I have so much more to worry about, now. 

My mother’s seriously ill.  I don’t know what to do so. I’ve been silent on this for so long that I might as well get this off my chest.

It happened three years ago in blackfolk, livejournal, in my private messages, in my communities and outside of them, for the better part of two years.

I was called a stupid cunt, dyke, idiotic, and slow. I was labeled a betrayer and a fake simply because I didn’t go along with the majority opinion in “fenofcolor” fandom.

Despite the nastiness, I pretended that I was alright, that I wasn’t affected in the least. I posted fun polls and jokes and tried my best to keep things light, even as I died inside at every nasty insult.

I tried my best to convince myself and others that it was worth it to go along with the fenofcolor because they were fighting the good fight. That I could be the example that it was worth it to listen.

Instead, I realized that they were just as bad and worse than those they’d call out for racism, sexism, et al….

I can’t tell you how many times I’d log-off in tears.

There’s a popular quote reblogged on tumblr a lot. It says “be kind for we all are fighting a hard battle.”

Well, I have fought a hard battle for over twenty years of my life with depression.  I take medications for it and I was bullied for being the weird black geek girl in grade school and high school.

I was bullied to the point where I tried to take my own life when I was fourteen.  I came pretty damn well close to succeeding too.

I never in a million years thought that I’d be cyberbullied the hardest by other fenofcolor.

I thought I was safe. Now, I know there’s no such thing, because to be “safe” means that you must make it unsafe for certain people who don’t follow the rules.

I never ever thought that they’d be the ones to drive me off the deep end, that they who were so careful to label all triggering posts so as not to hurt others would trigger such painful memories in me.

The very people who bullied me the hardest, who badgered me for the better part of two years on lj until I simply couldn’t take it anymore and left, were the very people who are so well-known in fandom for fighting against it.

They were relentlessly, insulting me, harrassing me, and excluding me from so-called ”safe” spaces that had been my refuge for the better part of eight years.

…All while badgering my fellow mods for not supporting me enough.

When it began to leak into my communities and I looked up and it was 2011, I simply quit, but the experience left it’s mark.

I still shake sometimes when I post something, thinking someone might know it was me and I certainly don’t share my opinions as freely anymore, because if people who’ve “known me” for that long can so suddenly flip on me, than it can easily happen again.

I apologize to those who have no idea what I’m talking about, but I’ve been holding my tongue for far too long. 

I’m sure they’ll bully me again, in the guise of ”helping” like they did last time and they are popular enough to come away from this unscathed.

Hell, this’ll probably be ignored anyway and nobody cares anymore, but they know who they are. They made jokes while I was in a deep depression and they even posted some anti-bullying sentiments when it became “the big cause” in fandom.

This is the reason I deleted lj’s loclove, moorishrennies, and iconsofcolor…because even in those places the nastiness simply. wouldn’t. stop.

Karnythia, delux_vivens, witchsistah…. I almost killed myself, while you laughed and made jokes.

I’m a person just like you. 

Anyway, I’ve gotten it off my chest, now I have to go.